Homesickness Self-help Nonsense

The Truth and nothing but the Truth!

So this is a post about some of the stuff that I've read from people who are in similar situations - expats abroad who are living in new cultures, dealing with the culture shocks and the homesickness. 

Now this is not intended as a serious critique of these articles or as a criticism of the advice they give, nor indeed is the approach I'm outlining intended as actual practical advice either - it's just my observations and opinions. It's also (meant to be) entertainment and not serious advice!

1: Make sure you get involved in your 'new life' - take every social opportunity offered and join new clubs and groups.

Okay - this is one of the most common pieces of advice and frankly it smacks of desperation! Me, me, look at me, I'm a social buttery fly and I'm into everything and friends with everyone! 

Yeah, right - this will very quickly mark you out as either a lunatic, desperate or socially dysfunctional. It's also a surefire way to leave yourself exhausted and crying into your pillow on a Sunday night wondering why your legs feel like lead and you haven't slept properly since you got into the country. 

This is no surprise as you have spent your weekend hiking through the jungle/mountain/desert/wherever, the evenings at parties and dinners and weekday evenings doing Pilates, language classes, learning local cooking techniques, weaving organic cloth with local villagers (because you have to have an 'authentic' experience) and any number of other new projects that will sap your energy, your bank balance and your will to carry on. 

Plus you may also need to actually do your job! Oh yes, this is still something your need to consider that sooo many self help guides seem to miss out. 

The truth is that the best advice is to do nothing! Yep, that's right nothing... Okay, not exactly nothing, but take it easy and slowly. At least for the first few weeks. Then work out a) what you want to do and b) what you can afford to to both financially and time wise too. 

Being abroad the pressure seems to be to treat your new life like it's a permanent, yet paradoxically time limited, holiday. The tendency is to cram new experiences in at every given opportunity and then turn up for work ashen faced and exhausted, but desperately claiming that you are having the time of your life.

Do not do this. You wouldn't have done this at home, so why would you do this in your new host country? And if you were doing this at home you were probably on the edge of some sort of breakdown and now you are still on the edge, just in a place with none of the familiar support systems!

On a more serious note, I do understand why this is proffered up as 'helpful' advice. The idea is to distract you from homesickness, but a distraction no more addresses the fundamental issue that a pain killer will deal with the cause of an injury.

2: Don't spend too much time in contact with home...

Well, that's an interesting one and probably more revealing of the damaged personality that suggests this rather than as actual helpful advice. This feels like advice given by someone who has fallen out with literally everyone they know.

I'm absolutely loving staying in contact with home. In some cases my contact levels are similar to those before we left, just with video calling in place of actually meeting up, but given that during the lockdowns that's pretty much all we had, even that is not so different.

Yes, I take the point that endlessly staring at social media posts and hankering after weirdly timed Zoom chats as your only social contact point is not healthy, but maintaining regular connections with family and friends has been absolutely vital for me. 

I miss the in person interactions that would have accompanied this, of course. My two most regular points of contact have now been reduced to hour long video chats, but they have been great. No substitute for the trail running and urban walks that they usually involved, but still, they have been invaluable. We've also kept up the regular family facetime chats that we would have done at home (my parents live abroad much of the year anyway) so that is not so far different.

Keeping in contact is an absolute necessity and like I said - if you're desperate to sever the ties then that's probably part of the problem!

3: Remind yourself of why you moved in the first place.

Okay - that's not such bad advice as long as it doesn't turn into talking down your home. The tendency for humans is to place undue value on something that they have struggled to attain, regardless of the actual value it has. Many studies have identified the human psychological trait of ascribing higher value to harder won achievements and gains in comparison to those more easily acquired. This is understandable - we need to justify the effort we put in as necessary and proportionate. However we can end up fooling ourselves into believing that what we have is better than what we had. 

Again, nobody likes this person - 'Oh, it's so much better living in blahblahland - they have such wonderful customs and oh my the things are so much cheaper and last forever and everything comes with a cat made of gold and it's just amazing!' 

Sod off! The earth is the earth is the earth - everywhere is a balance of good and bad. I like where I am, I like my home more, but that's because it's my home and I'm used to it. People who are convinced that their international existence is soooo much better than their home country just weren't looking hard enough - they may prefer it, but it's not an absolute.

Moving to experience something new is a good thing and holding onto that idea is actually quite sensible and is a good way to combat homesickness as it adds value to your current situation.

I know that the things we are doing are things we would never have done if we hadn't actually moved abroad and that was kind of the point, but I'm not about to turn that into diatribe about how boring England is and how it just doesn't have enough monkeys and laksa and lunatics on mopeds to be interesting any more.

A final thought

Homesickness is an entirely subjective, but seemingly universal experience. I know that it is something that everyone I've talked to has gone through as various stages and even the seasoned internationalists amongst my friends and on the staff I work with have experienced (and still do experience) this. 

Part of my coping strategy is writing this. I recognise the issue and put it into words. It actually does help. 

The lists of advice actually can provide some useful tips if you filter what actually fits your circumstances and realise that the advice may say as much about the author as it does about the intended audience.