Difficult Relationships

 How Do You Handle a Difficult Relationship in the Workplace?

Change inevitably brings about quite intense moments of reflection and this post has been a difficult one to write - in fact it's undergone more rewrites than any of my other posts so far. 

The intent here is not to outline any specific examples, but to communicate some very general thoughts on something I imagine most of us have encountered at some point; the thorny issue of a challenging workplace relationship.

Now I'm pretty easy to get on with, or at least I like to think I am. I also like to think I'm pretty easy to work with - not just pretty easy, but bloody good to work with. A combination of a winning personality, consummate professionalism, talent, experience and modesty...

Yeah, okay I may be ironically overstating my own capabilities - I know that neither school I left instantly went on fire without my presence and therefore I'm eminently replaceable, but I do have a skill set and experience that means I can contribute quite a lot to a school and kids seem to like me and do (mostly) what I ask them to, so you know, doing okay teaching wise. 

I am lucky enough to say that I have had very few workplace conflicts that have not been resolved positively and become things of the past. What is clear is that not all people are as lucky and that this will not always be the case.

So, what happens when people do hit a brick wall and meet people who they just can't gel with - or at least each time they've made a breakthrough they end up back at square one again?

Tricky...

Now I've said before, but it bears repeating - I've been incredibly lucky at work., but I'll be absolutely honest, nowhere is perfect; people fall out, there are conflicts and disagreements - some quite extreme - but on the whole most people get on well most of the time. Where they can't, they usually find a way to manage. It's kind of what being a grown up is all about - you don't have to want to be someone's best friend to be able to work with them.

It's not even about liking people - although...

Self-help blog type bit pt1:

In situations where you find yourself in conflict with or even just not warming to a colleague, find something positive about them, something you do like about them. It could be something as simple as their shoes (okay, a bit shallow) or more importantly, something about the way they work, or their even their intentions and aims, that does resonate (hate that word in this context - very newspeak) with you. The chances are they are doing what they think best for good reasons - you need to see this to tackle that conflict.

 

I like to think the best of people. This is important in teaching as you need to believe that the people you work with genuinely like young people and want to help them. If you meet someone in this line of work who doesn't fit that bill it's actually okay to dislike them and be in conflict with them, but there is a good chance that what's actually going on is that you don't understand their perspective and way of doing things. People who don't like kids don't last long in teaching - it's as simple as that.

That's not to say there aren't teachers like this, just not many, not any more. Mr Gradgrind and Mr Sugden are fictional characters from another age, mercifully this stereotype doesn't hold true today.

Now I'm writing in very general terms, but broadly speaking, where I have seen conflict arise it is rarely in situations where the person or persons involved is/are irredeemable (insert noun/s of choice here). No, generally people in schools have many positive qualities and are genuinely committed to their school and the kids. Where I've seen conflict it is between individuals who appear to be nice people who should otherwise get on. I'm not going to give specific examples, but it's clear that where there are issues they go beyond working relationships and disagreements over procedure and technicalities.

It's possible that some workplace conflict comes from miscommunication - we don't always use words in the same way and human communication is incredibly subjective.

However where there are interactions that are clearly not just miscommunications and here the key is to focus on the behaviour and the action, not the person. We have to remember that this is not personal, people rarely get 'personal' in workplace conflict - they don't know each other well enough to be really personal.

The key to understanding the behaviour is trying to see things from the perspective of the other person. We have to assume that the person didn't/doesn't see it the same way as we do - their perspective is just different. They may not even believe that they are in conflict. In these situations we have to ask, 'does the problem lies in the way I see the situation?'

Okay - there may be situations where this is not the case. It may well be that there is an issue that is not of our making nor just down to the way we see things.

It doesn't mean it's entirely 'them' either.

In the final analysis the other party may not even see their interactions as conflict - it may just be their way of dealing with the world.

Self-help blog type bit pt2:

Understanding conflict is understanding fear. We end up in conflict because we don't agree with someone, but we fear their point of view. Either we fear that it will infect others and it needs to be challenged or we fear that this opposing view means that our perspective must somehow be at fault and this makes us defensive.

So in situations where conflict is arising, despite clarity of communication, it is likely that there is fear at work. A fear of a loss of control, a fear of change, a fear of scrutiny, a fear of inadequacy or fear from a source we don't yet know about. 

I am very aware this post has gone 'full Jedi' so here's the appropriate citation!

Regardless of the source, fear brings about conflict and fear needs to be tackled, but unblocking that fear may not be possible, particularly if communication has broken down - it may be beyond our control, so that leaves no option but to meet the conflict some how.

"There are times when it seems as if one must intervene powerfully, suddenly, and even harshly. The wise leader does this only when all else fails. " The Tao of Leadership: Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching Adapted for a New Age by John Heider

In martial arts, the very study of literal conflict, there are two contrasting ways of dealing with resistance. The first is with overwhelming force. Now I like this way. It is direct, it gets quick results, it is often spectacular and briefly you feel really good! However, there is a downside. First, you need to be damn sure that you have the required force to overcome the obstacle, otherwise you will come of worst and second, no matter what the outcome people will be left hurting. This is never good and in the long term (if you're not a complete asshole) you will actually feel bad about using force to deal with conflict.

The second way requires patience and subtlety. It involves waiting for an opening, finding where the enemy's weaknesses are and harmonising with the opponent to exploit their strength, take their balance and getting them to submit. 

However in both of these analogies it is about winning and losing - neither option is great as in both cases there will be a winner and a loser. The best way forward is to find compromise and to work together to find common ground. I'd prefer a situation where no-one loses, if I'm given the choice. 

But what happens where compromise seems impossible?

Self-help blog type bit pt3:

Some things are beyond your ability to fix - it's not about you and no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to change the situation. In these cases you have to have a work around.

 

Now I don't like this - I'm not great at just letting things lie and I don't like the idea that I can't get on with someone and that I can't work with someone. I don't deal well with an impasse, but this could be where a situation leads. The only way to deal with this sort of situation is to realise that this is not about me and it's not within my control - we need to focus on what is within our control and how someone else deals with their issues is not one of those things. There are some things in life you just can't fix!

In the final analysis if you're in conflict and it can't be resolved or it keeps emerging you may just have to go around the obstacle of the relationship/s, which is a pity because relationships are at the very heart of good teaching and as teachers we'd never allow this to be an obstacle in our classrooms.

We need to be clear though, this should never stop us doing what needs to be done for the the good of the many, even if it brings us into irreconcilable conflicts.

KHAAAAAAAANNN!