Second Thoughts...

 Second Thoughts... I'm definitely not having them...

Sorry this is a long one!

I was very much in two minds about whether or not to even write this, but the point of the blog is to keep people up-to-date with where we are in our journey in physical, emotional and mental terms and this is very much part of that process.

So let's be clear on this, I'm not having second thoughts. I've had second thoughts about this entire endeavour. I had them after the first interviews; I had them after the second interviews; I had them when job offers were on the table; I had them after I accepted the job; I had them after I handed my notice in. In fact I'm no longer on second thoughts, you actually need to express my thoughts in terms of 'to the power of' - I'd guess I'm on 2nd to the power of 8 or 9? My maths isn't really good enough to work this out, but he point I'm making is that it's a big number of thoughts I've had - not just second, third or even fourth thoughts. 

I'm going to proffer some advice:

• If you are faced with a huge decision, expect to second guess whatever choice you make - you should be worried if you aren't 'worried'. It's natural to be concerned that you are making the right choice.

• Don't ignore the fear - look at it and identify where it comes from. The chances are it's a natural reaction to unknown variables, but do challenge it. Think about the very worst case scenarios - can you overcome them? The likelihood is yes, you will have a contingency that will allow you a fallback position.

• Identify what your reasons for taking the decision are. If they are to challenge yourself, help you and your family grow, gain new experience, skills or understanding then the decision is probably the right one, no matter how scary it may seem. If, however, you are 'running away' from a problem then you do need to ask yourself if this is really the most appropriate way to tackle the situation.

Sorry to get all agony uncle there, but I think blogs are meant to have something transactional or self-helpy in them aren't they? Anyway back to the musings...

I will never be entirely sure we did the right thing until we're on the other side of this - this is partly my personality - I suppose I over think things (I'm not actually convinced of this, I think most people under think things), but also partly the fact that we still can't do very much, the fact that there is a huge job of work to be done at the school I'm in (plus ca change eh!), the fact that I left a school where I was at the top of my game and working with some absolutely amazing people whom I miss terribly, the fact that we are detached from all of our support mechanisms of friends and family. All of these things combined make wonder - are we really better off?

And the alarming conclusion is broadly, no. No, we are not. In fact you could say that by many measures we are considerably worse off.

However, this depends on how you measure 'well offness'. 

We were very 'well off' in the UK and by any global standard. Let's be clear, I'm not referring to crass measurements of liquid wealth or spending power - money, whilst capable of making your life much easier, is not the sole measure of those nebulous concept of happiness or satisfaction. However, financial capital provides stability and allows you to plan for the future. By even the standards of the developed world we were materially doing well. We certainly weren't in a precarious financial position and in that regard I consider that we had more than our fair share of good fortune (pun absolutely intended).

We were also well off in social terms - a network of support systems of friends and family around us who we could lean on and in turn support too when they needed us. In this regard again, we were luckier than anyone could have any right to expect.

We also lived in one of the best places on the face of the planet - you will know my opinion of my home if you've read any of the earlier posts. The balance of amenities, cost of living and natural environment provided a sweet spot that few other places can match - okay the weather is a bit of an issue, but just put a coat on! (Actually if you are a Geordie born and bred then the idea of a coat is an anathema unless the temperatures drop several degrees below zero and even then...)

The coast and countryside of Northumberland really do make it the best place in the UK to set down your roots.

So if we're not 'better off' in terms of financial (waaaaayyyy worse) and social (none at all here at the moment, beyond what has kindly been proffered to us) capital, what the hell were we thinking?

Well, it comes down to two fundamentals.

1) The opportunities that we can offer Thomas.

Here he is living on an estate where he can just go out of the door and play. There are children his age who just play on the street and there is a group of kids who just hang out and run round, play in the pool and enjoy being children, free from the concerns of traffic and any other 'dangers' that may be out there. 

I suspect that the reality is that world is safer than it was when I was Thomas's age, but there just seems to be an overwhelming feeling that we can't let our kids just 'play out'. Maybe this is fault in our mindset rather than our reality, but I guess our mindset constructs our reality to an extent, so if we perceived the world as dangerous then, to us at least, it is.

However, even were I gung ho enough to just let Thomas go out of the front door and play with whoever was around, there just isn't anyone there to play with.

We were lucky where we lived as the neighbours (both sets who most recently occupied the house immediately East of ours on the street), with whom we shared a garden fence, had children living with them of about Thomas's age and they had begun to play together, but he saw very little of his school friends outside of class time and there weren't groups of kids playing out on the street. Here this is not the case at all, there is a substantial number of children from a range of backgrounds who just play out round the doors here - not too many of Thomas's specific age, but they have welcomed him into their games and been getting on well so far.

Cue the obligatory sunset over the 50 metre swimming pool with backdrop if rainforest covered mountain...

It's not just the opportunity for play or even the access to the amazing pool. It's the fact that Thomas is learning Mandarin and Bahasa Malay as well as English, Maths and an integrated curriculum that covers History, Geography and Science. He is doing art projects that are more extensive than anything he could expect from his first school. This is not to say there was anything wrong with this school back home - no, not at all. I'm very grateful for the fact that Thomas was happy and successful there. No, it is the range of specialist staff and facilities as well as broad cultural exposure that he will get here that will stand him in excellent stead.

Just a couple of the sights that I think to myself 'well, you don't see that every day' - unless you are here, in which case you do!

2) The experiences we will all share.

I have never been to a rainforest. I know a number of people who have, but far more who haven't and won't ever get to go. There's one at the end of the street. I mean literally there is a 70 million year old rain forest that I can hike through within walking distance of my airconditioned, broadband serviced home. Seriously! That is some statement now I come to write it.

Okay, at the time of writing we haven't really set foot in it (not really in possession of the right footwear at the moment), but it's there and we will go there soon.

We can also travel. That is beginning to happen now. Yes, with limitations, but we can now go to some of the places in Malaysia that are on our 'hit list' - Langkawi being the first. Again, getting to experience the sort of thing that previously was the province of BBC wildlife documentaries.

The fact is we will get the chance to do more as a family, or at least that is the hope.

Life in the UK had, if I'm perfectly honest, become a series of tasks to be completed. We bounced from week to week without really taking the time to just spend time. 

I'm not saying that there weren't times we enjoyed with friends and family, but the day to day grind meant that we often didn't actually do anything other than 'do' things. We weren't really experiencing life, just getting from one screen to the next. The pace was out of kilter.

I was lucky that my job had turned a corner for reasons that I'm not going to go into here, but I was enjoying working again. I was back on my game and without wanting to sound immodest, I was damn good at what I was doing. That didn't stop it from taking up rather a lot of time though and last year was... well everyone had a pretty torrid time of it didn't they. That said I was genuinely heartbroken to leave my previous school - or more accurately the people there.

Nic, however, had been working from home for nearly eighteen months and that was wearing thin - okay, it wasn't wearing thin, it had worn all the way through. She was also looking for a change, but was struggling to make this happen given the inertia in the jobs market at her level in the current context.

Thomas was doing lots of things - cricket, swimming, art, Taekwondo - just getting him to the right place at the right time was frequently challenging, but there was a feeling that he still hadn't made any connections there that went beyond those activities. He had one friend from school he had just begun to spend some time with outside of the classroom, but that had only really happened once and with the way kids' lives are regimented and organised, it was likely to be something that would be occasional at best. 

In short we were frequently racing through life doing stuff, but not really appreciating what we were doing.

And I suppose the final driving, niggling thing that pushed me to take a very finely balanced decision - how would I feel if in two or three years I looked back and hadn't at least tried this? There would not be another chance. Waiting  another year would have been impossible for a variety of reasons and to make a choice to do the safe thing out of fear of what might be...

I'm not sure I could have lived with myself.

That doesn't stop me from questioning this whole crazy endeavour every waking hour and I'm not sure I'll ever stop.

Yeah - this stuff isn't bad I guess!

Okay when I'm relaxing on a tropical beach with my family, watching the sun set on the Andaman Sea or out on the Pacific (okay Geography precludes a Pacific sunset - I know that, but you take the point) I may let the questions fade, but until then I guess I'll just have to live with that inner voice that's asking, "Why the hell did you leave all that behind? What were you thinking?".

That voice is easier to live with than the one that would have been with me in the UK reminding me that I missed the opportunity of not just my lifetime, but, and much more importantly, of Nicola and Thomas's too.

Or at least that's what I'm telling myself...

Hopefully it's true.